Invisible Minorities is a series where we delve into the complexities, joys, and pains of being a person of colour in the gay community. These are the stories we don’t hear often enough that shine a light on what it means to be at the intersection of race and sexuality.
Wil is a gender-fluid, gay, Chinese man, born and raised in Toronto. He is a self-professed huge choir nerd, performing in both Singing Out LGBTQ+ Community Chorus and Forte Toronto Gay Men’s Chorus. Wil acknowledges he’s still learning about life and his own identity. I sat down with Wil and we chatted about his experiences in the gay community.
Michael: In which ways do you feel like you belong in the gay community? In which ways do you feel ostracized?
Wil: There’s a place for me but at the same time the community is not actually one community. There’s a lot of subdivisions within it which is why there are so many more letters being added to LGBTQ that is generating some debate. Personally I feel that it’s important to have those letters right now because without them you’re not identifying the people who are involved. An analogy of this is why some people question the term Black Lives Matter, as they think it should be All Lives Matter. In theory, yes, all lives should matter, and all people should be treated equally. But the reason we say Black Lives Matter is because black lives matter the least today as evidenced by the amount of discrimination within that demographic. So it’s about calling out what is wrong so that you can address it.
Someone asked me the other day why we can’t just say “the queer community” instead of the long acronyms being used lately. If a corporate policy is to support the “queer community” they will likely lend support to gay white men. Now the check box has been checked off. Gay white men is the closest demographic to the hetero white man and they may feel that yes, we’ve done our job by supporting the queer community but they’ve supported the people who are most similar to themselves which leaves the rest of the community unsupported. That’s why I feel that policies that are too broad will neglect the most marginalized people. And typically the most marginalized people are the ones that are the most different than the mainstream. In our community, it’s the same where trans women of colour are the most marginalized and yet they are the source of the original Pride movement. Being part of a marginalized cross section, I see things now that make me more aware and more empathetic to groups that I’m not part of.
You really have to try and make an effort to make everyone equal because otherwise you’re not asking for equality, you’re asking for more privilege for your subset, and fuck everyone else.
What do you think is the most obvious example of privilege you see in the gay community?
Wil: In any marketing it is completely evident that the gay, cis, able-bodied, athletic, white male is the mainstream media’s representation of the LGBTQ community as a whole, and yet that is a very specific demographic.
It was only recently that I became aware of my privilege. When did it become evident to you that you are a minority within a minority group?
Wil: I remember getting a message on a dating app where he said “you all have such nice skin.” In my case, it happens to be true as I do have amazing skin. But he hadn’t met me yet so just a simple comment like that may seem like a compliment to the person saying it, but is actually racist. That ended there.
Another time I was actually on a first date with someone and it started off great. We were having an intellectual conversation about religion and then moved onto race. I was talking about an experience outside of the gay community as a non-white person who experienced racism while traveling on a road trip within Ontario with other non-white friends. But my date’s response was that people aren’t racist towards Asians anymore.
I reminded him that people are definitely still racist and he may not see it. But then the whole “oh, but I have Asian friends” line came up and I told him that’s great and that’s fortunate for your Asian friends that they haven’t had racist experiences- or perhaps maybe they simply didn’t share them with him. He was offended that I called him out even after he said that Asians are “hard working people.” Again I pointed out that’s actually a stereotyped bias, which is also racist. You might be attributing positive attributes, but you’re still attributing something that is based solely on race, and that is still racism. He did not accept that and he stormed out.
When someone has a bias or stereotype that is favourable, such as having nice skin or being intelligent, do you still get offended by it?
It is still offensive because they are not judging me for me. If I told them that I had a masters degree and they happened to actually see my skin and comment on it, then I don’t have a problem with that. But if someone is making an assumption about it, then that’s a completely different story.
I’ve seen a lot of Asian and black guys fetishized for their race. That is to say men will actually have a preference these guys because of their race. What are your thoughts on fetishization in the gay community?
To me it’s a similar negative feeling because they’re not liking you for you, they’re going after an imaginary construct. And their interest in you is only because you fit that. So even though it may “work in my favour,” the motive behind it is still disappointing.
What would you say to someone who says that fetishization isn’t racism because you’re actually getting favoured over other people?
I still think it’s racism because it’s the number one criteria- and possibly the only criteria- for them selecting me. Yes, it’s hard to draw a line between preference and racism because that preference- even though you may not be aware of it- could be triggered by racism at some level. So even though it’s seen as a favourable bias, the fact that it’s based solely on one criteria is still racist.
But many people have a “type” that they are attracted to. Where do you draw the line?
I’m not sure, because even in myself I have a type; it used to be the stereotypical gay white man. And it’s possible that my “preference” was driven by my own racial bias that I didn’t even realize. So it’s something that you have to be willing to accept that everyone has these biases that can be either positive or negative, but you have to admit that you have it before you can address it. I find myself now more open. I see attractiveness in more diversity now than I did before. For example there’s a lot of Asian guys that I find really good looking as well as Middle Eastern guys, black guys, etc. Before I would simply say I’m not interested in that almost as if I was convincing myself that I’m not racist, it’s just my type. As you acknowledge that within yourself, you’ll find yourself able to find other people attractive for other reasons than race. I admit that I have a bias and I call it a preference. All you can do is try to understand what makes that person your ‘type.’
Unless you have someone on the majority side fighting for you, there will never be any progress.
Where do you see room to improve equality within the LGBTQ community?
I’m part of a choir called Singing Out that is LGBTQ friendly. But having LGBTQ inclusion policies should also mean that you have other inclusion policies such as accommodating all levels of ability. Race is another one where we try to have outreach programs to improve diversity in that aspect. I think that’s a great effort because we can’t just focus on equality for LGBTQ people. You really have to try and make an effort to make everyone equal because otherwise you’re not asking for equality, you’re asking for more privilege for your subset, and fuck everyone else. So if you really want equality, you have to want equality for everyone.
Where do you think we need to focus these efforts within our community?
The gender equilibrium. I personally have found myself on the gender-fluid, non-binary spectrum recently. I could say that “lucky for me”, I still identify as primarily male which puts me as being able to pass in the category that has the most privilege. But knowing more queer women and queer trans people, I feel for them because I know they don’t have that privilege in terms of the jobs they have, their income levels, and the discrimination they face. It’s eye opening and before I had personal relationships with these people, it never would have crossed my mind. In theory we say we want rights for LGBTQ people and yes the T is in there but if you’re not actively supporting that group specifically, then you’re not doing anything for them.
How do you think your experience of being gay would be different if you were white?
This simple answer is it would be easier. People would probably more naturally be attracted to me, would more likely come up to me in a bar, or likely to dance with me, more likely to message me on a dating app. Just by simply being white. I wonder who gets more attention? An attractive Asian male or an average looking white man. Probably the white male. Now I don’t have the stats for that, and I realize it’s all subjective, but I think that being a white member of our community would make dating easier.
What do we need to do to ensure all races feel like they are part of the community?
Acknowledging that racism is there. Acknowledging that white privilege is a real thing. And making people who have privilege realize that acknowledging it isn’t the same as calling them out as racist. It just means that they have to be aware of their social position, their power and that they have to use it to help people who don’t have privilege. Unless you have someone on the majority side fighting for you, there will never be any progress.
Thank you Wil for letting me pick your brain and sharing your story. Anything else you want to add before we wrap up?
I appreciate this opportunity. The concept of race in our community is important, but those other things that we touched on such as the privilege of being able-bodied or the discrimination of body types all come with their levels of privilege and discrimination as well. It’s important to identify these things, and acknowledge they exist so that you can see it in your own patterns and see it in others so that you can be more aware of your own privilege and help people that are outside of your identity or group.
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Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash
